The plan

When we were spending this time together, I realised how similar you were with my ex-husband, not as a person, but in the dynamics of our relation.

You both have strong characters, that is for sure, but probably I could never be with a weaker man, and there’s my pick. However, what you want from me, the way you express your feelings towards me and the way you treat me, it’s all the same in essence.

You both want my joie de vivre, my naivety, my strength, my affection, a child and my eternal devotion. You both love me, in the same selfish way, wanting everything from me, feeding on my emotions, with a violent jealousy, aware of my value and of your own limitations. You both want it all, and you are both too selfish to give something of complex value in return. Ironically, your restrictions are opposite. You give me exactly what he denied me, and he offered me exactly what you cannot. But in essence, the connection is similar.

I offer a complex journey, to you, a man that can only give me half. He is aware of his lack and because he is strong, he becomes frustrated, aware of the difference between us. And because he loves me, he becomes jealous, conscious that he might lose me. And because he is selfish, he becomes weak, afraid of my strength.

Strong, in love and selfish, you take me into your arms, you make love to me like no other and you enjoy my infinite affection, my body vibrating under you and my mind connected to all your wants, your needs and desires. This is your soft spot. You lose control.

Frustrated, jealous and weak, you criticise me, searching for faults in my behaviour, you denigrate my character, in the hope that you will diminish my value, you try to make me jealous and purposely hurt me, until you see the pain in my eyes, until I shout on the streets that I am mad, until my eye pour infinite tears on a bench in Ljubljana. This is your strong spot. You gain control.

The difference between us, is that I am on the second side of the same coin, addicted to this cocktail of love and pain, which I regularly serve, despite the fact that I know that is not good for me. I purposely poison myself, just so that I can later regenerate and continue in the same way.

I have no plan for love, I never had. Love is my drug, that I can infinitely take, although is not good for me and the awakening is painful. Is the only factor that make me act reckless, against all logics, choosing disadvantage over advantage, poorness over richness, sacrifice over selfishness or death over life.