Love, the aim

Her words hit me like a hammer. She looked in my beautiful hazel eyes and told me calmly:

‘You will never truly love a man until you love your mother.’ I glanced at her mistrustfully, only for her to add: ‘Otherwise, he will disbelieve your feelings. How can he trust you, if you do not love your own mother? How will you know how to love him?’

Her assumption forced my mind to make painful connections within seconds, tearing apart my carefully and toil built illusion of affection. I refused to collect the pieces immediately, denying the reality surrounding me, too angry and hurt to admit that I was never able to truly love a man. Not in the way I wanted, anyway. I never trusted completely any man to show him how my unrestricted love affection looks like. I never offered without reserve, restrictions, and boundaries. My endless love always had a finish line.

My personal idea of affection developed early in my childhood. In a private place of my mind that I used to visit every time I would put my head on a pillow, just before my thoughts were stolen away by a mysterious dream. In this secret place, I would find love in its purest form, giving and receiving without restrictions, boundaries or limits endless care and unrestricted affection. This was the safe place I visited in my childhood after each quarrel or beating I endured from my parents, after each humiliation, I would receive from others teenagers or each injustice and disappointment that I had to face.

The subject of my affection was one, only one, an uncertain but missing figure, something that my mind would associate with the expectations I had from a man. A man without a face, but with a soul like mine and a kind and warm heart.

In my teenage years, I started to search for the missing subject of my affection, in love relations, beginning each one with the expectation that the boys and later men that showed me an interest in a certain moment, were, in fact, the right person from my dreams. The barometer of scrutiny for the men from my life was given by the easiness with which I could picture them in this role. If, I could easily imagine them in my dreams, I would give them a go, while, if that would be hard, I would embrace them with rejection and without a second thought. So, from a young age, I started all my relations on a fake premise of expectations, to fill in an empty void from childhood. And the void was easy to fill, temporarily of course, at the beginning of each relation, when expectations and demands are prevailed by the discovery of other, the physical attraction and chemistry bond. The hugs, kisses, and touches reassured my needs of affection, making me believe that each chosen man, would finally be the man of my dreams. Sometimes, somewhere along with the relation, I would even forget about the illusion of love, living at the moment, trapped in the daily chores and routine, lost between others needs, general expectations and my wishes. Except for the moments of silence, when I was honest and naked to myself, brave enough to look inside and feel the missing part. Then, I would see the void. After acknowledging it, the relation would quickly disintegrate in an explosion of disappointments, frustrations, and anger. I would usually move on, before it would finish, to the new potential candidate. Between my déjà vu experiences of love and exploration, I managed to marry the most persistent candidate. Tiered of the unfulfilling searching wheel, I capitulated on the stairs of society, embracing the social custom of morbid marriages and the illusion that something will change in time, within me and around me. The change never came, and when I wanted to escape again in that secret place of my mind, the logic ticked in. Why would I dream of someone to share my love with, when my husband lays next to me? Wasn’t the marriage built on the foundation of love? So, I divorced, with all the social consequences, in search of the freedom, the choice and the love that I deserved.

I divorced so that I could repeat my mistake again, and again, until the day her words confronted me. I wanted to dismiss them, but I restricted my protective instinct, only to realize that I have never been free to see, to choose or to love, being permanently limited and obsessed by my own perception of the other person. In fact, I never saw the persons standing in from of me because I was too busy to dress them up in the role I conceive in my childhood for them. The role of my Mother, as she was actually the figure I was always looking for, half of my life. I was looking for her, projecting the expectations I had from her into every man I meet on my way, blinded by my need of her and incapable to see, who the person in front of me really was, what this person wanted and what offered.

Mothers cannot be changed, the time cannot be turned, but a future decision can be different. I forgive you, Mother, for all the missing love that I endured and I thank you, for giving me life. I will do something good with it. In this way, I will be free and I will choose consciously the people surrounding me. At night, when I will put my head on the pillow, I will think of you. Because I always wanted your love most of all.

It’s curiously how children, now of adult age, step with great accuracy on the pats walked by their parents, caring the same bags of unhappiness, lack of fulfilment, frustrations, fears and need for acceptance.

4 gânduri despre „Love, the aim

  1. Loving and the strengh to forgive/forget makes you a better person in general and yes, more open as a human, not necesarilly trustworthy.

    Your dream man must live among humans, as humans are not perfect. Love and relationships are not the same thing, as relationships require work from both sides. It may happen that both of you are in need of affection so what then? who’s the giver and who’s at the other end? I think your idea of love should transform into something real – you may want to be cared for, spoiled, living an adventure but whatever that is must be something a man can actually do. At the moment you have a scenario that only you know which you excpect people to follow – and I’m not sure that works.

    You say what other men in your life did bad, but you don’t say what you wanted them to be like in the first place. It’s like you want someone to come in and hug caress your soul, but your soul is something deep which can’t be seen from outside. I used to have a dream woman too, and she didn’t even have a face bacause 1) there is no perfection that i could imagine and 2) if i had painted that perfection in my brain how cand any real woman compete with that?

    In the end she’s right, but it’s not your mother as a person, it’s something you need to love and accept, despite the flaws. You don’t ignore the flaws, you either live with them or don’t, but there’s always something to love between those flaws.

    Apreciază

  2. „‘You will never truly love a man until you love your mother.’ I glanced at her mistrustfully, only for her to add: ‘Otherwise, he will disbelieve your feelings. How can he trust you, if you do not love your own mother? How will you know how to love him?’”

    Poate rationalizez prea mult, dar asta cam seamna a bullshit de psiholo care traieste din asta si incerca sa para mai interesant decat e cazul.
    Stiu ceva cazuri in care dragostea (sau mai bine zis atasamentul) fiicelor fata de mama le-a distrus relatia decenta care o aveau cu un barbat.
    Pentru ca mamele lor erau defecte si daca iubesti asa ceva, se transmite si e mai nasol decat ebola.

    Da, caracterul parintilor e un el de ADN psihologic, se transmite copiilor in diverse forme.
    Teoretic toti cautam iubirea, insa fiecare o intelegem altfel si asta din pacate poate face oamenii incompatibili pentru orelatie.

    Dar tot e bine daca pornind de la remarca respectiva ai realizat ceva…
    Da, e un pacat comun sa confuzi atractia si gesturile care deriva din ea cu afectiunea, sa evaluezei o persoana prin prisma aparentelor si ulterior sa cauti substanta care, cu putina luciditate, ti-ai fi dat seama inca de la inceput ca lipseste.

    Da, dragostea e fundatia casatoriei, dar nu te poti astepta sa o gasesti pe toate drumurile.
    Indiferent de capacitatea de seductie, alegerile gresite si de ce sa nu spunem, superficiale, o plaseaza aparent intr-o sfera de neatins.

    In cazul abuzurilor parentale, asta pe unii ii pune in opozitie cu parintii lor, pe altii ii transforma in caractere asemanatoare iar ce e tragic e ca uneori chiar cei care sunt in opozitie de fapt ajung sa caute caractere asemantoare parintilor lor abuzivi si perpetueaza tragedia.

    Tu ai o anumita profunzime a sentimentelor, dar ti-ai pus problema cati din barbatii pe care i-ai ales au una asematoare, dincolo de aparente si gesturile standard care presupunem ca au in spate asa ceva?
    Si cu cati ai impartasit-o (daca au fost) inainte sa impartiti..altceva?

    Apreciază

  3. Ei, bărbații caută femei care sa fie mai profunde in sentimente, care sa le ofere emoții și atașament, pentru ca femeile astea sunt mai gustoase. Doar ca ei nu oferă, doar se hrănesc. In mod ciudat, nu știu dacă mi-as dori un bărbat care sa fie atât de emoțional ca și mine. Ma întreb dacă nu l-as vedea ca slab.

    Apreciază

  4. Pai poate de asta nici nu ofera, pentru ca si femeile care se cred profunde in sentimente o iau pe asta ca o slabiciune.
    Culmea e ca pana la urma tot ele se declara la sfarsit nesatisfacute desi primesc exact ceea ce-si doresc, un tip atent si sensibil doar la suprafata cat sa le puna pe „on”, pe urma le f*** si lasa cu ochii in soare visand dupa implinire sufleteasca 🙂

    Apreciază

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